Decedent. Executor. Estate. Disposition. Emblem. Death doula.

When someone passes, the last thing you want to expend energy on is navigating the extensive technical terminology around death. Death houses a whole dictionary’s worth of confusing terms. These are just a few. Let’s clarify them, and talk about why I use some terms over others.

In addition, let’s cover the phrases that may provide comfort to someone who is grieving.

Defining words we use in funeral and estate planning

How to refer to someone who has died

What is the best way to talk about a dead person? Which words are most appropriate and why? 

The truth is, everyone will have a personal preference. Using the decedent’s name is by far the best and truthfully, the most comforting word you can use. We often have this false notion that using “their” name will bring more pain – not true. 

For someone like me who works with death every day, I try to strike a balance between practicality, clear language and empathy. I also often take my cues from my clients on their preference for language.

The terms “gone” or “no longer with us” are not relevant to the death that has happened. This dates back to the days when we were not allowed to call personal body parts by their anatomical names. This is very outdated – and confuses the heck out of children!

What to say to someone who is grieving

Death can be awkward. To not say anything is really awkward, too. This is especially true in a workplace relationship. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” is the most common phrase used to acknowledge someone’s passing to a friend. But it’s often the most complained-about cliche in books and movies. If this helps you to muster the courage to pass on your condolences, then I say use it. It could also be rephrased, as such:

“Bill, I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.”  

“Susan, I was saddened when I heard your mom died.”

For further learning and language tips, subscribe to my newsletter at the bottom of my website for a free copy of my Heart of Condolence booklet. At times of loss, it can provide helpful tips for what to write, what to say and what to do.